


how can I say this without breaking

by mostlikelydefinentlymad



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: First Kiss, Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, I'm Sorry, Love and betrayal, M/M, One Shot, POV Raphael Santiago, Raphael has feelings, Season 02 near the end, Season/Series 01, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, all aboard the pain train, based on show canon only, the betrayal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2017-02-05
Packaged: 2018-09-22 02:34:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9578660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mostlikelydefinentlymad/pseuds/mostlikelydefinentlymad
Summary: It has been three weeks, two days.He dreams, flashes of memory.In one they're sat on the rooftop of Hotel DuMort under a sea of starlight and Simon takes his hand for the first time. His lips are cool as they brush over Raphael's knuckles, eyes never straying from the other's. It's startlingly intimate and he lets himself fall harder, like he hasn't in decades.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [saphael aesthetic](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/261917) by 90s-shinee-aesthetic on tumblr. 



* * *

 

_I don’t want them to know the secrets, I don’t want them to know the way I loved you,_

_I don’t think they’d understand it, I don’t think they would accept me, no._

([x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1F_Hdd0rmUk))

* * *

 

**I loved**

After the fallout of Simon's betrayal, Raphael thinks of dirt under his fingernails, of blood stained lips.

*

He dreams of a pulse flickering in and out like a star fading in the night and whispering prayers against a pale wrist. How senseless it had all been, how easily Clary Fray's tears fell. How he'd never felt like more of an outsider who didn't deserve to be there. He hadn't known Simon in the ways she had but God in heaven, he'd smiled and that was it. Raphael hadn't intended on falling in love especially when it meant the mundane would be vulnerable to Camille's attack, a living weapon to use against him, but it happened all the same.

Simon paid for his mistake all the same.

 

* * *

 

**And I loved**

He remembers amber eyes declaring his loyalty to the clan in front of God and everyone. How Simon had stared right into his soul when he said,

  _I'll do it._

How easily he'd been caught off guard and reacted with  _Well well well, baby's first words_ when he wanted to say,

_Please don't ever stop choosing me._

Simon turned to the redhead, apologetic, and said the words that gave Raphael hope

_This is my world now._

*

It has been two weeks since Simon's betrayal now.

*

An image comes to mind, unwanted and uninvited: 

Simon on that first night, his entire being reflecting sadness and loss as he moved into Hotel DuMort. Raphael feeling like an absolute heel.

Keeping the fledgling felt like stabbing himself in the heart repeatedly but for once in his life, he wanted to be selfish. 

*

Another instance:

Raphael's own words haunting him:

_"I never meant for this to happen."_

He'd meant much more than dying and burial but they didn't deserve to know the story of how a downworlder fell in love with a mundane, how he'd sacrificed himself so Simon wouldn't have to, how Camille knew exactly where to apply the pressure. To bleed him out without even having to touch. They wouldn't understand, they wouldn't accept him. He'd be lucky if he didn't end up with a stake to the heart and a scathing accusation about how  _he_ had done this.

No thanks. 

*

 In the present, he hated himself as he shut his bedroom door, back sliding down against the polished surface. 

* * *

 

  **And I**

It has been three weeks, two days. He dreams, flashes of memory.

*

In one they're sat on the rooftop of Hotel DuMort under a sea of starlight and Simon takes his hand for the first time. His lips are cool as they brush over Raphael's knuckles, eyes never straying from the other's. It's startlingly intimate and he lets himself fall harder, like he hasn't in decades. When they step back inside, Simon takes his hand and they clumsily dance. Simon's voice is soothing and low as he hums a tune he says he'd written  _back when my life was normal._ Raphael pretends to be annoyed when a foot hits his toes for the third time but it's an act, they both know it.

When they part ways, Simon pulls him back by the hand and gently kisses his forehead. He has never felt more loved.

*

In another, they're arguing over the bloodstain on a jacket Simon had borrowed and it's utterly ridiculous. The clan scatters as they throw petty words at one another and Simon produces a wrinkled dry cleaning receipt. He jabs a finger in Raphael's direction and loudly rants about how he had to pay the guy extra so he'd agree to allow him to pick it up after sunset and what a pain that was. The clan leader fires back with what a waste  _that_ was since it looks exactly the same and  _Why'd you have to wear this one? You know it's my favorite. _

_Oh._

Simon latches onto his arm and drags him over to a plush golden sofa. Wordlessly, Raphael intertwines their fingers and kisses the knuckles in the gentlest apology. His fledgling smiles, the corner of his mouth tugging upward and Raphael thinks of sunshine. Of how it would taste. He scrapes his teeth across a pale wrist with Simon's hand in his hair and meets his eyes, asking for permission. Simon nods and his entire body is filled with warmth, the sweetness that is  _Simon_. 

*

Later, his own skin is marked with the sharp edges of Simon's bite, back arching in pleasure. They are soft here, in between the sheets, where the world cannot see. It's love in the purest form and he lets himself surrender for the first time in decades. He memorizes the angles of Simon's body with his teeth and hands and Simon, in turn practically worships his body. He leaves his kisses everywhere like a placeholder so he'll never lose his way. He murmurs words against Raphael's skin in a language the other cannot understand and it feels like being branded, kept, cherished. 

*

They wake throughout the day, coming back for more. Simon is in his veins, staining his tongue red, breaking down every barrier. There is no coming back from this. 

*

*

He dreams and wakes with damp eyes.

* * *

 

**Lost You**

 The night before Camille is released, before Simon ruins everything, before he chooses  _them-_

*

Raphael whispers a confession in Spanish as Simon sleeps. He needs to say it out loud, to rip the words from his chest without anyone knowing. If Simon were to find out, he would run right back to the Shadowhunters and the redhead without looking back. He wouldn't survive that. 

_Te voy a amar para siempre, bebé._

(I'm going to love you forever, baby)

 Simon nestles in closer, arm curling around his waist and holding on tight. Raphael closes his eyes and prays in a language Simon cannot understand, just in case he's somewhat lucid.

_Please let me have this and I'll ask for nothing more. I love him, please._

*

The words are bitter and hard to swallow the next day. He cannot say them without breaking and Simon won't even look him in the eye.

It's a goodbye that he never saw coming. 

 _Te amo, por favor._ He never says.

(I love you

please)

* * *

 

  **And it hurts like hell**

After the fallout of Simon's betrayal, Raphael opens the door to ~~their~~ his bedroom and shreds the sheets with his bare hands. He gives the pillows the same treatment and collapses, sliding down the door like he had once before. The clan knows not to disturb him and they've made themselves scarce as of late, more than aware that their fearless leader was breaking apart under the surface. 

He plucks Simon's shirt from the floor and buries his face in it, inhales. 

_They've no idea what they've taken from me._

_(Please)_

* * *

 

The next time they meet, he pushes Simon up against a hard surface with the force of a pain that never went away and thinks:

_They've known all along._

_They didn't care._

_Simon didn't care._


End file.
